Once upon a database dreary
I stumbled upon a funky query
Hidden in some strange odd proc
Causing a big major deadlock

I had received an urgent alert
In the middle of my dessert
The production server in such a state
I felt a need to self-medicate

It was no longer a mystery
With swift help from SQL Sentry
According to the quick trace
It was in a deadly embrace

After the offending spid was slain
I demanded the proc to explain!
Inside, my wondering eyes did I find
Twenty nine heap tables union combined!

Left join here and right join there
I almost yanked my graying hair!
Select * from this and that
In shock and awe I numbly sat…

Twenty one nested cursors abound
I don’t have time to monkey around!
Insert here and truncate there
What more to this sad nightmare?

I peeked at the execution plan
One hundred and twenty table scans!
I smacked my forehead! How, oh how can this be?
For there are a hundred indexes to see!

With no statistics in sight
It’s one big nightmarish fright!
“Check maintenance plans!” You say?
Not a one! No backup? Oy vey!

Why oh why did they not optimize,
Reindex or even reorganize?
“They must be freakin’ insane”
I muttered to myself in vain.

I did not just see an auto shrink!
In what SQL hell did they think?
Not sure what insanity I now faced,
Wondering the size of this database

Ah crap! One hundred Terabytes?
My migraine just reached new heights!
What oh what to tackle first?
Select *s or indexes? I cursed!

Partitions, indexes, and stats.
Wait! Is there a DMV for that?
Confused as a cow on Astroturf
Onto the Internet did I surf!

For the answer did I look
On MyFace or was that SpaceBook?
Onto Twitter and then some blogs
Hmm… myths on… transaction logs?

I’ll save that for later
For this need is much greater
Someone give me a sign!
Where did I put Books Online?

My brain feels full and oh so fried
Staring at the computer cross-eyed
Purple monkeys began to prance -
A bacon slinging chicken dance!

Oh no! No! That can not be right!
No more lattes this late at night!
In a sweat I awoke from my dream!
Whew! So very real did it all seem!

At work the next weary day
My dream did a nasty replay
In my head it felt so real
Paranoid, I began to feel

“On collation! On encryption!
On security and protection!
Clustered indexes to seek
I’ll show them who is the geek!”

“Bounce the production box!” I cried
“Before my brain is completely fried!”
Must not give in to temptation!
I SO need a SQL vacation!

Cough, cough… Hint, hint (ahem)
She is really quite the gem!
A diamond in the rough
She does know some stuff

Please send SQL Princess on this cruise
She’s the one you really should choose!
Down on our knees we beg, plead, and implore
She needs multitudes of DMVs to explore!

Her very first time at sea
Ever grateful she would be
To rest, relax, and to learn…
For more SQL training she yearns!

This cruise will relieve her tension
And with one last crazy question…
Would SQL Princess awaken
To the smell of frying bacon?